I HATE (LOVE) YOU!!!

 Dear readers, 

Do you ever get a horrifyingly revolting aftertaste after talking with someone you tell yourself you hate? Presumably, when people hate someone they usually block them out. Scream things at them like, "I wish I never met you!", or, "I can't believe I ever loved you, you are such a numskull!" Some of us, when we say these things, don't actually mean these things. And I know this because I am some. We don't mean any of it. We say, we hurt, we tell, we yell, and then we sit down and replay and regret every moment. Flashbacking to our childhood, we give ourselves adulatory timeouts. I have found that these timeouts vary according to person. I used to speak with someone, who may have not wanted to speak with me (I guess we'll never know!), who ignored and said sorry more than the average joe. I understood nothing but the obvious assumption that he hated me and wished nothing more than my disappearance from his life. In return, I yelled, said what I didn't mean, and kept speaking to him. While he felt nothing of anything at all, and, in response, said sorry almost every millisecond we spoke. Not only was our failed attempt at making good, humane conversation worsened every time, we miscommunicated almost every millisecond that wasn't filled with the word sorry. So my message to you today is: To communicate thoroughly, do not hate individually, but instead find a way to hate companionly. 

With much love, 

diarygirl

Metamorphosis

 Dear readers,

I just finished "The Summer I Turned Pretty" series by Jenny Han and I couldn't help but feel incredibly impatient for my evolution into society's definition of "pretty". When is it my turn? When is it my turn to feel? That's a question for when I do. Turn pretty, I mean. I doubt that any of us has the ability to right away, without hesitation, improve into a breathtakingly beautiful person overnight or complete the full cycle of a butterfly in a minute or so. I mean, puberty is literally never in our favor. Majority of the people you meet like to tell you that you never need anything more than yourself to achieve what it is you want, but I think, in addition to that, you must have perks. You must have specialties. You can play the guitar, have glowing eyes and skin, be Kate Moss, etc. You have to have something part of you that makes you, you. But that something, specialty, perk, whatever it is, it doesn't have to be society's version of pretty. It can be society's version of weird but still make you an incredible amount of money. So, my message for you today is: Morph into weird if that's what makes you feel pretty and then fly away to Paris. 

With much love, 

diarygirl

Broken Record

 Dear readers, 

A few years ago, my school hosted an informational drug program that informed us about how popular drugs have become and how we shouldn't do it. The basics in thesaurus form. Our teacher went over several methods to respond with no at a party or a setting where the stereotypical teen roams when someone hands you a cigar or some sugary-looking white powder. One that stuck with me is the broken record(sounds like a dance move I would totally rock the dance floor with). It's, in simple terms, saying no until the person gets tired of you saying it. Like a new song that you admire and love and keep playing over and over until one day you're so sick of it, you'd probably cry if you had to listen to it again. Lately, my life can be related to this method. I literally wake up every day, drink coffee, read, clean, and sleep. I wish something would occur. Something can be anything. Something that makes me feel. Maybe I am the broken record. Maybe I keep rejecting. Maybe that's why there isn't any acceptance happening. My message to you today is: Stop rejecting what could be. Start accepting. (I'm looking at you, Ivy League!!) 

With much love,

diarygirl

I Agree With Elon

 Dear readers, 

I recently found my new favorite song, "Oh No!", by Marina. It's old, but nostalgia is always present during summer. I must note that this nostalgia isn't always good like it is in this case. One of my favorite lyrics in this song is, "If you are not very careful, your possessions will possess you." I didn't truly understand the meaning of this until a few days after I discovered the song, the meaning ringing in my ear as the days dragged on. The things around me-- my phone, laptop, bookshelf, and even my stash of things I don't want to throw out. They unconsciously have the power to uphold my negative opinions rather than empower my positive ones.  It's beyond me how we let inhumane and non-breathing objects control what we do. Elon Musk fears artificial intelligence abolishing democratic governing and the human way of life. I don't think for a second that the issue is artificial intelligence doing evil, it's how far we humans will go to hand A.I. the opportunity and ability to do so. So, my message to you today is to not become schizophrenic and hyperaware of your surroundings believing that they are out to rid you of any humane qualities but understand your limits and boundaries. If you aren't sure where to stop, next time, remember to draw the line before you start. 

With much love, 

diarygirl

Crying

 Dear reader, 

I want to cry. Not because anything, in particular, is happening. But just because. Just because I want to. I want to flood my bedroom up to the brim with nothing but my tears and sorrow for no particular reason. For no targeted ex-friend, ex-lover, ex-dilemma. But for me and my rage. Why is it that when we are so incredibly hurt and upset we find it annoyingly hard to let it all out and break something. We instead are angry. We blame. We hurt. We do anything in our power except cry. I have found that when I feel a lump in my throat, I am relieved because it feels as if I am forgiven by my self-consciousness and am given permission to be human alone. Swimming in my self-proclaimed and so-called selflessness is the only thing I am willing to do when that lump comes around. So my message to you today is: Don't hold your tears back because a flood of lipid, water, and mucus will surround your heart (non-medically of course). Be sad if you need to, because sometimes therapy isn't always meditation. Don't mistake your need to be upset and cry for a trip to the therapist. Save those green slips for retirement!! 

With much love, 

diarygirl

Boo!

 Dear reader, 

Ignoring is the devil's way of telling us that the person we really want doesn't want to speak to us and perhaps, unfortunately, finds us annoying. From our perspective anyway. Sure, they could have personal issues and see something we can't find bare-eyed. But we can't be sure of that. I can't be sure that they don't want to talk to me for a good reason. What makes things worse is when we don't really know the person and pretend we do. We understand nothing but the fact that they are ignoring us. That they won't speak to us anymore. And we blame our lack of knowledge of the empty void that is their personal life on them. "They didn't speak to me, so how am I supposed to know exactly what they wanted from me? And how can I fix that now?" I realize how selfish and gluttonous I sound when thinking that. They didn't know enough of me to stay. Just like I didn't know enough of them to understand why they left. We misinterpret things every day. But I think this is something we can avoid. So my message to you today is: Learn the person before you call the person names. 

With much love, 

diarygirl

Being Human Sucks

Dear reader, 

Major mind blank today. I feel like that happens anytime but once in a full moon. My mind goes blank almost every hour of the day. And why does that happen? Do you ever walk into a pantry or your room to get something and remember it until you open the door to the room that holds the thing you're looking for and forget exactly what you're looking for? It's not like we have amnesia or something-- we just have no idea what we want and what we need from our time on earth. It's like we know exactly what causes us to want to do something like becoming a doctor or engineer-- but then realize that we have not one clue how to start. I watched a Ted Talk the other day demonstrating how to cope with one's anxiety in public speaking class (sounds lame but I totally recommend watching some that correlate to you!), and one excerpt, in particular, sparked something in me and has changed the way I procrastinate. (because there's no way a Ted Talk could eliminate my habit of procrastination) She said it's easier to do something badly first and learn rather than the waste time that could have been used to finish this "thing" thinking about how to do it. It's quite amazing to me how much time I waste every day doing just that-- thinking about what I should be doing rather than just doing it badly the first time. I am so afraid to make mistakes that I forget that that's what humans do. We are a bunch of screw-ups waddling around like lost penguins to work or school and that's okay. Because we are human. We have emotions that make us weak. Bones that are not always efficient. Muscles that are sometimes non-existent. But we are HUMAN. And that's what makes us who we are. So, if no one told you this today: I am proud of you for doing whatever it is you have done today, even if that's nothing. Have a wonderful day!!!

With much love, 

diarygirl

(P.S. THE TED TALK LINK ---> https://www.ted.com/talks/olivia_remes_how_to_cope_with_anxiety?language=en) 

(Eloquent) Intro

 Dear reader, 

This is my very first blog post. And I hope to grow exponentially and thoroughly. You know, learn a few, cry a few. The daily dilemmas of, like, everyone. I don't think dilemmas are subjected to one gender. I don't think crying is just for females or that flirting is just for males, etc. Dilemmas are icky and horrific happenings of day-to-day life. And so, with that, I present to you diary girl dilemmas. Where accidents happen, are cried or laughed about, and are processed then remembered through this blog site and me. 

With much love, 

diarygirl